God's Best In The Unexpected
I don’t know about you, but in life I remember those moments when everything seems to make perfect sense. Things become so clear, maybe not to the world’s standards, but to God’s standards. Oh, how I yearn for those sweet glimpses and seek our heavenly father’s will for who He has created us to be. You see, it was almost two years ago when I started praying more boldly. God absolutely cares about the everyday and what may seem small to us. The small make up a greater picture and we are to trust Him with everything. There’s a new sense of power and trust that come into play when we pray boldly for big things.
Looking back my prayers read…
Lord, use me. Let others see you and your love through me. Teach me to empathize with others in new ways. Surround me with those, who others may not see their worth. Draw others into my presence who are different from myself and help me to see them for who you have created them to be. Help me to truly see my children through your eyes and help me to lead them in their gifts. I want to serve- serve others and my family. Draw my husband and marriage closer into the depths of your goodness. Reveal ways in which Dave and I can lead our family as you’ve created us. Lord, I surrender.
Surrender can be beyond uncomfortable and yet so freeing. With surrender I believe there has to be expectancy. I prayed these prayers with expectancy. I wanted His will to be done, and yet it wasn’t as though these prayers were an everyday occurrence. They came and went. I look back now though and see that God was planting seeds. My prayers of surrender allowed Him to do some big things. These prayers may seem broad, but in a sense I felt I didn’t put forth limitations on what He was going to do. To be honest, looking back I couldn’t have imagined my prayers measuring up to the work He had planned. I am constantly learning that what I believe to be the BEST is no match FOR HIS BETTER. What peace and beauty it is to rest in this truth while at the same time exhilarating and I find myself wanting more.
In January 2017, the idea of me staying home and stepping back from teaching had become a regular in conversations with my husband. After job sharing for the past three years and being able to be home with our kids more, I desired to be home full-time. It was something we’d prayed about and Dave felt it was time to tell my principal. And oh, what a great feeling after doing so. And get this, just two weeks later to our surprise, I found out I was pregnant!!! Having other children wasn’t on our radar, but as we looked at each other in amazement, staying home gave me an even greater purpose. It was constant confirmation for our career decisions and as though He was saying…
Trust me in this decision for your family and I will provide and bless you in it.
In the coming months, I said goodbye to friends and colleagues and was ready to tackle this stay at home mom thing. I had two months with just Lucas, who was a little over three years old at the time. It was a blessing while also having its challenges. At times I found myself feeling like a failure because I couldn’t control my child’s responses in the midst of his energetic ways. At least not compared to how I thought others believed he should act. I started comparing my children to others and comparison for sure is the thief of joy. My husband always came through with his gentle and wise words. I had to alter my expectations at times. Yes discipline is a good thing and a must, but I was lacking to accept Lucas for who he was. I needed to bury that notion of what I thought he should be. I began to fall in love with my little guy all over again and what a sweet season it became.
There is no question that he has a lot of energy and it’s usually the first thing people mention. Sometimes I viewed this as a negative and allowed others’ perceptions to rule. Well, God showed me differently and I began viewing his energy as a gift. A gift that God placed in him for a reason. This kid goes into everything with such joy and a positive attitude. Along with his sweet demeanor, he attempts hard things and this spoke to my heart during those months one-on-one with him. Again and again, I was reminded of God’s goodness and how He was answering my prayers and preparing me for our third.
Other than extra monitoring throughout my pregnancy due to past history, it was pretty uneventful. Our sweet little Ella Ann was due to arrive on November 12th . I had a check up on October 25th at 10 am to monitor blood pressure. Around that time I was having some slight cramping, but nothing major and they were inconsistent. The doctor said she would be surprised if Ella didn’t make her appearance by the following week. Well, that little girl was ready. I got home after picking up Lucas around 12 o’clock from my mom’s house and the contractions turned more predictable. My mother-in-law came to the house to be with Lucas and Dave and I headed to the hospital. We arrived at 2 pm and Ella Ann was born at 2:46 pm! Our sweet little girl made us a family of five and I looked so forward to meeting her.
It happened all so quickly and smoothly, but right away I knew something was wrong. She wasn’t crying. As I lifted her up on my chest she was slightly purple. They took her to the side to give her oxygen. Three of the nurses were attending to her while Dave lingered over their shoulders. I remember seeing her little body and just wanting to cuddle her so badly. She wanted her momma. It was pretty quiet in the room- a quiet that I will always remember. The crying was intermittent. There wasn’t a lot of talking between the nurses, updating me on how she was doing. Everyone was so focused. About 20 minutes later, one of the pediatric nurses from the NICU (or so I believe) came over to Dave and I .She had such a somber look on her face with little emotion. Her next words and the look on her face will forever be imprinted on my mind.
...“We believe your daughter has Trisomy 21”
She continued talking, but I have no idea as to what she said. There were no congratulations or your little girl is beautiful. No celebratory smiles filled the room. I only remember her asking us how we were receiving this information. I was speechless. Dave was speechless. We didn’t know what to say. What were we supposed to say? No tears came rolling down. I guess you could say, we were shocked. And then again, I part of me wasn’t. I had multiple feelings during pregnancy that our little girl would have Down syndrome. I mentioned it to Dave once, to which he responded, “Then she would have Down syndrome.” As plain as that. Right from the get go Dave recognized her as a gift. I believe it was God preparing me for this little GIFT we never knew we needed. I held her in my arms all wrapped in her hospital blanket with a nurse holding an oxygen mask. It was about a short 5 minutes before they had to take her to the NICU. Dave went with Ella and since having a quick and not complicated delivery, the doctor and nurses left shortly after. I was by myself with all of my thoughts. I yearned to be with her. I had no idea what would lie ahead of us. It was a bit of a fog, but at that point I didn’t need to know. I simply knew that I had given birth to a little girl with so much purpose.
Those who have children with Down syndrome are often told they will go through many emotions including a grieving process. We go into this pregnancy thing praying for healthy babies. It was the fourth night in the hospital. I sat there in the pitch black boarding room pumping in the middle of the night. In that moment, the tears came pouring uncontrollably. I wasn’t angry, but instead grieving the loss of the life I imagined my child would have. I envisioned her life being filled with opportunity and experiences. Well I had so many questions. Would she have deep friendships? Would she be loved? What would she accomplish? What wouldn’t she be able to accomplish or not even be given the chance? Would others accept her? This can be a dark place…the ‘what if’s’. I stayed away from reading on the internet, but gratefully stumbled upon a beautiful blog. It included mothers’ words about what they wanted others to know about their children with Down syndrome. This was like honey to my soul. Pictures were included of these beautiful children that I couldn’t take my eyes off of. I found myself falling in love with this new world of ours. They were as God intended, filled with pure love and His voice became ever so loud.
Ella is just as I intended. You just wait! She is going to open up a whole new world of opportunities- opportunities to share my love.
No matter the obstacles that stood in front of us, the fact that the world may view her as less… I knew that I was meant for this and she is worthy of greatness. What a gracious God!
That next morning I woke up with those promises and wanted to shout them from the rooftops. The song, Good Good Father wouldn’t leave my head and so I sang it loudly in the hospital shower that morning.
I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think you’re like
But I’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of the night
And you tell me that you’re pleased
And that I’m never alone
You’re a good good father
It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are
And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am.
I walked into her NICU room every morning awaiting for people to see her beauty. I was hanging onto every word, just waiting for someone to voice her worth. Thankfully we are supported and are surrounded with family and friends who know His word and covered our baby girl and our family in prayer. We also had amazing nurses who made our departure bittersweet. People would comment over how beautiful she is and yet it took me some time to believe them. She wasn’t broken, but instead my lens was broken. It could have been a part of the process and we were in new territory as parents. However, there was a perspective in me that needed to change. I needed to change the way I viewed beauty. It wasn’t even all about her physical characteristics, but so much deeper. God has designed her differently yes, but aren’t we all different? Each of us embodying aspects of Him. If we seek to find Him, we will find Him in others. Ella has pieces of Him and has and will continue to play an important role in His story, one that only she can fulfill. She is absolutely gorgeous!
We spent 5 weeks in the NICU including Thanksgiving. We were definitely ready to be a family of five in our own home. Balancing home with two others kids and the hospital wasn’t an easy task. We couldn’t have done it without family and friends who spoiled us with meals, unexpected gifts, visited, took care of Olivia and Lucas and prayed relentlessly. However, it didn’t change the fact that I felt torn. Dave had to go back to working and there were days that I felt a part of me was missing. We are definitely better together. As days passed though, I began to treasure this time. It was undivided time that Ella and I needed, filled with a deep love for my husband and for the love he had for our children. I chose to use the time to seek Jesus and through that He gave me an abundant joy. Ella and I got to touch, feel deeply and see who we are and were both growing in love and health.
Ella is now almost seven months old and doing so well. Her mellow temperament and smiley ways light up a room and draw others in. She looks at me with those sapphire eyes and makes me feel as though she just gets me. We never quite anticipated having ongoing visits with doctors concerning her O2 levels and including a hepatologist (liver), urologist (kidney), cardiologist (heart) and hematologist (blood). Our weeks include visits with her occupational therapist and physical therapist, interwoven with follow ups with specialists. There have been weeks filled with unanswered questions. But oh how He gives us the strength we need and He’s in every moment. He said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. –2 Corinthians 12:9
I want others to know that people with Down syndrome are more alike than different, but at the same time to value those differences. Ella’s diagnosis doesn’t define her, but it is a part of her. A part of her that I wouldn’t change for the world. There’s a work God has done and will continue to do in me and others through this little light in our lives. Being a mother calls for excavation and while it’s messy, it stretches us. When we are stretched, we have the choice to move forward and embrace the discomfort, trusting in the fruit that is to come. I pray I choose this path again and again. Yes it involves growing pains, but what’s on the other side is beyond worth the wait.
Perhaps you were born for such a time as this. –Esther 4:14
Back to those prayers I mentioned at the beginning that He laid on my heart. I wait in anticipation to see what else the Lord is going to do through Ella and her diagnosis. I just know He’s going to rock our world and others. I can so strongly see the way He has answered prayers and He’s not finished. It warms my heart to see how our children influence one another and draw from each other those pieces of Jesus that are placed within. Olivia has such a heart for teaching others and lights up when she talks about Jesus. I have been challenged to empathize with my children in new ways and try to meet them right where they are. I try to imagine what it must be like for them from their view. I don’t get it all right and never will, yet that isn’t the purpose. I don’t have to because I know He will fill in the areas where I fall short. He is grace and is teaching me to give and receive to others and myself. He leads me to His truths and has done a work in me when it comes to comparison. He is the only one we are called to look to.
Let me just say, we have just started on this journey in a community that I’m so very proud to be a part of. A community of others who are worthy of greatness. I have the honor of relating to some amazing mommas who have also hit the jackpot with kiddos who rock an extra chromosome. We get each other in a way that others don’t and it’s a beautiful thing. My heart breaks for our kiddos and families in the Down syndrome community when medical reports are given. At the same time, we celebrate alongside one another when our kiddos reach milestones. They may not reach them at the same time as typically developing children, but they will accomplish them.
When I prayed those prayers I wasn’t sure what it would look like. Where he wanted me to serve, how I would be stretched. All I knew is that I was ready and willing. I still don’t know what else is in store. Seeds have been planted and a desire to serve and advocate not only for Ella, but others with Down syndrome. This new world of opportunity intrigues me, has brought a sense of freedom and has ignited a fire. This last year has been one of refining and trust. It’s brought me to lean on others and His truths in new ways. I’ve been blessed by some amazing mommas who are vulnerable in their walk. Such strength and redemption come from such friendships. This year has strengthened our marriage more than ever and has caused me to view time a little differently. From someone who once found false comfort in feeling in control, I have come to find that being completely in His control, in mercy and grace, is powerful. We are all enough because He is enough. We are truly loved right where we are, but thankfully He doesn’t leave us there. These are promises for you, my children and myself. And so, it’s a daily reminder to leave everything at His feet. Pray for the small and also pray boldly.
Remember those fears…those questions that played through my mind in the night about my sweet girl’s future? While fears may creep in at times, His light drowns out the darkness. I’m reminded of the one who is the light, our Lord and Savior. All my children will have opportunities to thrive and experiences to be had, including failure and joy. My children, each so different, were created perfectly in His image. They belong to Him. They are not ours, but I am beyond honored that he entrusted them to us. We are no more special because we are the parents to a child with special needs. We simply choose to seek God’s best in the unexpected and the beauty that He has placed in all three of them…each of us. His love and power are undeniable.
We are the lucky few.
You make known to me the path of life: you will fill me with joy in your presence. –Psalm 16:11