Immeasurable Worth.
I wanted to interrupt my normal theme with a message that was on my heart.
Suicide.
Why, you ask?
Because I've been there.
I have had depression for over 10 years now and as life piled up on top of me, I crumbled.
There ARE (because depression has no cure) days that I feel like I am in a crowded room calling out for help and no one bats an eye. I experience loneliness deeper than most people. It is to the extent that I don't even try to reach out for help. I completely close myself off to essentially die off from everyone. There are days that I experience in my lowest moments that I don't want to live anymore. In these moments, I don't matter. Nothing matters and I feel as if everyone would be better off with me not in the world. While I am not the only person to have walked this path, there are many who don't wear their emotions on their sleeve like I do.
Many walk around in silence.
Completely alone in a room full of people.
Yet, they continue wear a smile everyday. They present themselves as brave and together when deep inside, they are SCREAMING.
These are the people who go out of their way to do anything and everything for people to find some worth within themselves.
Depression has no gender, age, social-economic class, race, creed, religion, or sexuality. It can affect anyone at anytime. This silent demon is what steals us from achieving our full God-given potential every single day. If you have a friend who seems off, please reach out to them because they may not be strong enough to reach out to you first. I can't tell you how many times I tell people that I am ok, when deep down I am hurting. I personally am so afraid of the shame that comes with being sad that I would rather internalize it and hurt my future. It's so incredible how satan uses our weaknesses to play out situations in our heads that do not exist nor will exist. The enemy tells us we aren't worthy for love. Love; the one thing the human heart CRAVES like our bodies crave water. We seek out love in situations every day because we want to feel validated and cared about. We want to feel like we matter to someone, to ANYONE.
Why am I bringing this "mood killer" up now? Because, it absolutely, 100% needs to be talked about. The stigma on mental health has grown so dramatically that people view getting help as a sign of weakness. This is absolutely horrible and will continue to solve nothing. In this society, we don't deal with our problems. We try and "fix" them. We fix them by staying busy, numbing, or completely jumping to the next unhealthy thing to take our minds off of our reality. We don't sit with our pain. We internalize it and bury it deep within ourselves, crushing the spirit shining through us.
This is why our nation's statistic of death by suicide is staggering. It is ranked 2nd in leading causes of death in the US. Over 44,000 people die each year by suicide. Forty-four THOUSAND. Let that sink in. That is over 100 people a day.
Now that I've got your attention, what is next?
While signs of someone feeling suicidal can be hard to detect, here are a few basic ones that I have read/experienced:
The feeling of hopelessness
Being withdrawn
Speaking of death in a "matter of fact" sort of way
Intense mood swings
The list goes on.
However, in a lot of cases, the people who decide to take their life are usually those who don't seem any different than the rest of us. These are the ones who DON'T wear their emotions on their sleeve, who instead internalize it. Their symptoms go under the radar and are almost completely missed by someone who has never experienced these feelings before. Please check on your family and friends if you ever have any concerns. Be intentional in your relationships and to people you don't know. Even a smile could turn someone's day around. When someone is crying out to you, don't see it as a sign of weakness or annoyance. Embrace them because you might be the only person they trust to validate their feelings. This is HUGE so don't turn them away, or take it for granted. There may not be tomorrow.
My story has a lot of ups and downs and this is one of my sides that I don't like showing, mainly out of shame. Over the recent years I have had quite a few moments of uncertainty where I questioned EVERYTHING.
Who am I? Why am I here? Do I even matter?
When I was a teenager, I began cutting my wrists. Not to kill myself, but to express my pain outwardly. I didn't know that I was depressed but I knew that I wasn't "normal". I cried a lot. I mean... A LOT. I had no self worth and confidence the size of an ant. Yet, I was the person who would do anything to make a friend happy. I smiled through a lot of my pain even though on the inside I was dying. I didn't want anyone to see my weaknesses because I didn't want people to leave me. I feared abandonment so much that I found myself in unhealthy friendships and relationships. As you can imagine, this lead to a downward spiral.
I lost all hope and any purpose I thought I had.
In 2012, I tried to take my life.
All I can remember from that moment before was the feeling of utter despair. Nothing anyone could have said or done would have made me come around. It was too late.
Lucky for me, the bar I hung myself from in the bathroom fell down and I went down with it creating a commotion sending my husband in to see about it. My actions devastated him. Seeing that I was so out of options that I thought that THIS was my only cure. To be honest, the only one who would have escaped out easy would have been me. Everyone else would have been left with my pain. An unbearable pain. Looking back, even on my darkest days, I feel completely horrible about that. I am still learning to forgive myself for that moment. What I am certain about is that God needed me here. Little did I know, I did have a purpose.
My purpose is this. My purpose is to tell a story that may be hard for me to stomach but hopefully will be comforting for someone to hear. If you are reading this and you feel alone, please know that I am here. I understand you. I walk along side you. Your story isn't over. Please, just please hold on one more day. The feeling is temporary my friend, death is not. You are so incredibly loved. Not only by those who surround you, but by your creator. He sees you. He knows every single part of you. You bare his image. You are not worthless, but in fact worthy. You are meant for so much more, so please just hang on. Tomorrow is worth seeing.
Please understand that I am far from perfect and there are days where I feel like I can't go on. There are days that I find myself in the threshing boards of life and I can't muster the strength to pick myself up. But God, always does. He is always waiting with his hand out even when I feel that everyone else has taken their hands away. My story isn't over and neither is yours. Just pause, sit, and reflect before you act. You ARE worth it. Don't give up.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
If you are in a crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Web source used:
www.nigh.nih.gov. Last updated May 2018.