Long days, short nights and everlasting grace.

Motherhood can be a roller coaster ride. One moment we are up at the very top looking far out into the horizon.  You know, laundry is all done, dinner has been made and eaten entirely, and the kids are bathed and tucked in bed by 8pm- those days! The next moment we feel as if we are rolling down a hill with no brakes to slow us down. As challenging as it can be, we still look to many things to take refuge in. Being a mom in this day and age can feel so competitive. We are flooded with images of others seeming to do it “better” than us. What we don’t realize is behind those cute spaghetti face messes and perfectly sleeping babies is a woman who is doing her absolute best to keep the crown atop her head, on straight. What we don’t see is the tantrums, the messy living rooms, and the tears behind the scenes. What we also don't see are the struggles and painful situations that we mommas face in our everyday lives. We all come from somewhere and have stories that shape us into who we are today. My journey into motherhood hasn't been easy. Some days everything seems like a fight to stay afloat. But this is why I am here.

This is why I have decided to share my stories with you so that you don't feel like your mess is unlovable by Jesus. It is lovable and made right, and so are you. 

    As my bio said on this site, I am a mom of three VERY SWEET and LOVING kiddos who make me so incredibly happy while simultaneously making me lose my ever-loving mind on a daily basis. Though it may seem like my life is awesome from the outside, there are times where it is anything but. I find myself questioning who I am and why I am here all the time. There are days where, as hard as it is to admit, I feel like a yell more than I talk. Like most of us, I try to get through each day with my head still attached to my neck. I am constantly learning about how  parenting works. While I may not have “figured out” my identity in this life yet, I am definitely sure that I was meant to be a momma.
    You see, I was in the midst of a downward spiral before I became pregnant with my oldest. I had absolutely NO will left and didn’t care what happened to me anymore. God apparently had enough and blessed me with my awesome and spunky (now) 7 year old. He saved me. My life drastically shifted from what I had been feeling only a few months before. What I didn’t know was that God was setting the stage of me returning back to him. I was a young mom and one of the very first in my group of friends to have a kid. I was 21 and the irony was that while the “party” was just beginning for some, it was ending for me. I struggled with the thought of missing out. I had a really rough first few months of my son’s life. I couldn’t find my balance and self- worth and found myself wanting to end my life. What I didn’t know was that I was suffering badly from postpartum depression. It came down to me feeling like I had hit rock bottom before I began to climb back up. I was finally prescribed anti-depressants and I basically "stood up, picked up my mat, and walked." My eyes were opened and I could finally see things a bit clearer. I finally felt like I wanted to strive for more not only for myself, but for my son as well.
    After my son’s dad and I ended our relationship, I DECLARED I was done with men forever! Absolutely done. I wanted to grow on my own and be the best mom that I could be. To take my mind off of things, an old friend of mine wanted to have a girls night. Naturally, we picked a ladies night because we figured there would hardly be any men around… Wrong. I have always heard that God meets you right where you are and for me that night, it was at a bar. My future husband (Ben) was there and I had no clue. I didn’t even give him the time of day when he first came up to me. After talking for a bit, I thought he was really nice. We left that night without getting each other's numbers. I was okay with that, but God had bigger plans. It turns out that my friend had given my number out as hers to Ben’s friend. The next day when his friend called me, I asked for Ben’s number and the rest is history! We’ve been together ever since and throughout all of our brokenness, we have made a wonderful life together. I truly do believe in soulmates. He took on the role of stepdad with so much pride and grace that even to this day I look back on that with so much adoration for him. I am so lucky.

    In our 7 years of doing life together, we have had really awesome times and some extremely hard times as well. We are like most people, broken with weaknesses each others strengths complimented. In 2014 we gave birth to our sweet daughter who completely filled gaps that neither of us knew we had. We bought our first home shortly after and got married in 2015. That was the year that we gave our lives to Christ. What a year that was for us. To be honest, it was probably our hardest year. Satan fought to break us down in every situation he could. We had major financial trouble, were fighting constantly, and at the end of September we lost a pregnancy. This was a HUGE game changer. We constantly think about what if we didn’t have God with us when all of that happened? Would we have survived? Would we still be together? I have never had a more solid belief in our faith than after we came out of that. That shows that God has endless mercy and will truly get you through anything. To our surprise we found out we were pregnant again at the end of November 2015. YAY!
    During that pregnancy I found myself having my faith tested once again when my health declined drastically. I suffered quite a bit through the first half of my pregnancy with him with Hyperemesis (extreme vomiting) and chronic migraines until at around 20 weeks when we found out that where he was growing was completely blocking off the passage of urine from my kidney to my bladder. I was in extreme pain and was in and out of the hospital the remainder of my pregnancy. I even was lucky enough to get a catheter surgically placed into my back to drain my left kidney! What a joy that was! NOT. This goes to show that I will go to great lengths to protect my kids. I always joked that I had 2 bladders instead of one. However, I continued to work and push through the pregnancy and worked up until the week I had him! Luckily, a visit to a Young Adults Ministry event was enough to put me into labor. Even though I wasn’t quite 37 weeks, my little wild child decided he was ready! Lennon was born at 37 weeks-even and was as much as a spit fire as he was in the womb. Although I am certain that despite him being a tiny tornado dictator, the hugs that boy can give HAVE to be the human form of a hug from Christ. They will bring anyone to their knees.
    Throughout all of the triumph and chaos in the past 8 years of my life, I know that my pain was not lost upon deaf ears. God heard me. He heard my cries. He has bottled every tear and now, He is using all of that for His Glory. I am so grateful for my experiences because I know that I was never alone through out any of it. He has blessed me so much and continues to each day. Never would I have imagined that I would be telling my story to others for them to seek refuge in God’s amazing love. Being a mom can be so draining underneath the joy that comes with the job. We pour so much into others that we forget about our own cups being refilled. There are days when we feel so invisible because we put so many people ahead of ourselves. Those are the days where we NEED to call upon Jesus. He LOVES us. HE LOVES YOU! Nothing you go through is in vain. Your pain has a purpose much bigger than you can imagine. I have learned to sing into the darkness until it becomes light. I have also learned that GRACE IS ABUNDANT in God’s eyes. There is NOTHING I have done or will do that will make God change the way he views me. Thank you Jesus. The days may be long and the nights may be short but God’s amazing love and grace for us goes on forever and ever. Amen.