One Size Fits All.

Society. 
It's a beast. It claims to have our best interests at heart, but in reality its very exclusive. 
It has a lot of IF's and BUT's.
"YOU'll LOOK YOUR BEST, IF..."
 "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, BUT..."
These things begin shaping our views of ourselves at such a young age. You may or may not even remember the day that you first felt concerned about how you looked to others. I remember certain moments growing up that made me pick parts about myself out that weren't "GOOD ENOUGH". 
As a young black girl moving into a mostly white neighborhood, I learned quickly that I was different. I was one of the only black kids in my elementary school and I didn't fit in because of it. I remember specifically at the age of 9 wishing that I could have lighter skin and straight hair so that I would be seen as pretty to someone. Anyone. Including myself.
Before I even knew it, society had already permanently implanted its standards into my young impressionable mind. 
Fast forward to just before middle school... The most awkward time in my life honestly, ha. It was valentines day and we were having a class party to celebrate. I remember coming in from recess and seeing roses on all of my friend's desks, except for mine. I wasn't pretty enough for one. Nothing I could do on my best day would have "earned" me that rose. That day it was confirmed to me, I was not beautiful. That was the first REAL pain I remember experiencing as a child that completely changed the way I would see myself, even up to today. 
From that moment, I began completely picking myself apart. Piece-by-piece. I hated my hair. I hated my skin. I hated my body.... I especially hated my body. I developed early so I had extra pudge that I didn't know was a problem until freshman year of high school. 
That was the first time that the exclusion that was passive aggressively sent my way, was put out in plain sight. I was bullied for the first time in school by some boys who called me a "fat ass cow." I was shoved into the lockers that day after school. That's not even the worst part though. The worst part about it was that I STAYED around and laughed it off because I wanted to be liked.
I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be seen as beautiful.
From there, my downward spiral began.
It started out by skipping lunch at school, claiming to not have any money. That quickly turned into hiding when I did eat so that no one would see my shame. I was actually ashamed to eat in front of people in fear of ridicule. Because, you know, if you're going to be accepted in people's eyes, you can't show you do normal things like eat. Make sense, right? 
That quickly turned into restricting mostly all of my meals. I did this in secret for over a year before anyone noticed it. By my junior year, I had began adding extreme workouts to my ritual. I would go run for miles on an empty tank, then go work out afterward. My mind was so stuck on being perfect that I was ignoring my basic human needs. I was having crazy-dizzy spells as well as horrible mood swings. I had began experiencing signs of depression at the age of 16, yet had no idea that I was feeding into it by not taking care of myself.
I was so stuck in my own self hatred that when I went prom dress shopping, I picked out a size 6/8 and the sales woman thought I was CRAZY and gave me a size 2 instead. I didn't even try on the size 2 because I was so afraid that I wouldn't fit into it, concluding that I was indeed fat. I settled with a size 4 because in my mind, I felt that I could work out enough to get closer to a 2 by the time prom rolled around... Not realizing that I was actually closer to a Size 0/1. My self image was BEYOND crazy distorted. 
For example... 

This was me at my smallest, trying to suck in a belly that didn't actually exist. 
I still look at this and pick apart things I would change about myself. 

Society is a BEAST, guys. 

I learned that at a young age, if you were outside of the standards, you were ugly. Not only was I called ugly, I actually believed it. And to be honest, some days I still do.

I thought I had put that in the past when I accepted Christ at the age of 18, but then I fell from grace and everything that I was fighting to get away from, found its way back to me. 
My path had taken some wild turns and I ended up working in a gym that I used to use during the depths of my disorder. Again, I was reintroduced to my eating disorder that I had thought I had silenced. However, this time it took on a whole new form. I began abusing laxatives as well as fat burning pills along with my crazy workout routines and restrictive eating. I was so obsessed with dropping that number on the scale that I didn't think of the consequences that this would have on my body. That number was everything to me. I was lost and on a path of self destruction. 
While working there, I met my best friend/sister-from-a-heavenly-mister. I am convinced that I am a long lost twin because we would finish each other's sentences and even shared the same exact thoughts from time to time. She was definitely placed in my life for a reason OTHER than to randomly spurt out Bridesmaid's quotes with me. 

ENTER JESUS...
My BFFL started going to Red Rocks Church and because she cares about me, invited me to come with her. 
I just couldn't. I was too broken. God was surely ashamed of me and I would most certainly ERUPT into flames upon entering. Yet, she never gave up. Jesus never gave up. 
Finally, Easter of 2015 I caved. I went and gave my life to Jesus that day. 

Looking back now, I can't BELIEVE the journey He has taken me on. 
Jesus was DONE seeing me struggle. He needed to complete his work in my life. A life that I didn't think was worth very much. He needed me for so much more than I even needed myself for. I had no idea the freedom that would come with walking with him. No matter HOW MUCH I STRUGGLE, his love endures forever and ever. He just wanted me to finally see it for myself. 

I have been free of my Eating disorder for 3 years now! Although, I still struggle with negative thoughts about myself image from time to time but they are in no way as damaging as it used to be. I use that pain for my purpose. I constantly remind myself of his promises and that I AM MADE IN HIS IMAGE. And to say that my body, my skin, my hair, or anything about me is bad, is saying that God makes mistakes... He doesn't. I am the way that I am to fulfill his divine purpose with my life. I hope to continue being vulnerable and inclusive because I feel so much joy knowing that other women can relate to my story and feel like they aren't alone in their walk. I want to keep inspiring others to speak out against the darkness. Call on The One who calls YOU perfect. You are always loved, even when you FEEL like you're not. 
Just remember, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. The one who created the stars, had you in mind too. Don't let the world depict and undo what Jesus made perfect. Society isn't "One size fits all" but Jesus is. 
PSALM 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that very well.